In the presence of my enemies

But today I also read these words: you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I am startled to realize this isn't actually what I hope for. I want my enemies far from me. Behind careful borders and appropriate boundaries. But that's not what God promises

Memoir Via Jayci

But we will miss the sparkling adventure in the forest of the mundane. Life ebbs and flows, stretches and retracts. It throbs, a wide space between my clavicles beating with the racing cadence of a life. I want to circle up, but sense a pull to open instead.

Bird feeders and soccer games

Adam recently put up a bird feeder, which isn’t my favorite, because bird make me jumpy. But Isaiah likes to chase them, and Jayci notices the different varieties and colors. Caden, meanwhile grins his newly toothless grin and begs me to play a sport, any sport, with him.

Dust

“I imagine Lent for you and for me as a great departure from the greedy, anxious antineighborliness of our economy, a great departure from our exclusionary politics that fears the other, a great departure from self-indulgent consumerism that devours creation. And then an arrival in a new neighborhood, because it is a gift to be simple, it is a gift to be free; it is a gift to come down where we ought to be.”

― Walter Brueggemann, A Way Other Than Our Own: Devotions for Lent

An Ode to the Library

I have been this mom, multiple times, in this very library. Isaiah’s spirit refuses to be tamed by spaces intended for quiet, and our library trips end much more successfully when we leave him at home. 

The Knot

What am I holding under my skin? What worries have found a home in my body? The body keeps the score, and mine stubbornly refuses to let go of whatever it is gripping so tightly. Perhaps, this is the kind that will only come out with prayer. Or maybe, I just need another massage. 

The Myth of Balance

In theory, I suppose, we have some idea of balancing this pouring out with a certain level of circling up. Of ensuring our kids know we prioritize their needs and love them first. In reality, this looks less like a perfect balance and more like a pendulum swing.

One of those days

Open-minded will never be enough. Open-hearted is the end-game, but it’s scary as hell. Vulnerable, unprotected, no guarantees my bones will knit back together to protect me from pain.

On Juggling

Whenever Jayci joins me as a helper in the baby room at church, her favorite trick is showing the little ones how she can “juggle.” She holds two balls, one in each hand. She throws one up and catches it, then the next. Eventually, she speeds up the process just a little, but never enough to qualify as anything resembling real juggling. I understand this style of juggling, it is how I feel basically all the time. Things need to be a little slower, and there should be fewer balls, in order for me to juggle them successfully.